WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.), who is not running for reelection in 2014, has made it her legislative mission to protect Christianity from all intruders. With that in mind, Bachmann has introduced a bill that would ban Flying Spaghetti Monster law in all schools, government offices and highways.
Bachmann, who claims to have a red phone to God, has often warned us that the United States, led by Barack Obama, is on the path to Sharia Law. She also told us that God hand picked her to be President.
Last Friday, Bachmann’s daughter, Lisa, who is in college, announced that she had recently attended a meeting of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and was beginning to question her own upbringing.
Michele’s husband, Marcus Bachmann, expressed wide-eyed curiosity, asking if there were any meatballs and if so, how big they were.
Michele, however, didn’t take it as well. Her hypnotic blue eyes narrowed and she very quietly responded, “Barack Obama’s behind this invasion of pasta. This is PROOF he’s part of the Italian government’s mission to take over the United States with their laws and customs. Next thing you know, Mussolini will be having lunch in the White House. We must put a stop to this!”
When Lisa reminded her that Mussolini has been dead for almost 70 years and that Giorgio Napolitano was now the President of Italy and that Italy actually had nothing to do with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Michele replied, “That’s even worse! Generations of Italians have been invading our country, sometimes through the Mexican border. You can’t even tell who they are anymore. Some of them even speak English. The fact that Mussolini died and his people keep crossing our borders is definitive proof that we are being taken over by pasta terrorists who want to turn our children into vermicellis and fusillimentalists.”
“Besides, it’s in the name,” continued the Congresswoman. “They worship monsters that fly. The real God is too busy chatting with me to fight that off.”
Bachmann’s bill is expected to pass the House by an overwhelming margin – just after they end Obamacare for the 41st time.