MOSCOW, Russia – Russian President Vladimir Putin admitted yesterday that he enjoys wrestling naked with bears. Bears around the world have expressed a wide range of opinions but most say they would probably get off on it if it happened to them.
“Naked wrestling with bears is enjoyable,” President Putin told reporters as he was seen leaving the grounds of Moscow’s famous Circus Nikulin on Tsvetnoy Boulevard.
Gregori Pantzkomov, spokesperson and recreational activities coordinator for President Putin, held a press conference a short while after Putin made his admission to clarify the meaning of the President’s comments.
“The President does not wish to be misunderstood or have his words taken inappropriately out of context,” Mr. Pantzkomov said, reading from a prepared statement, “When he said that naked wrestling with bears is enjoyable, he did not mean that he enjoys wrestling with naked bears. That would, of course, be a disgusting and degenerate act, and any reporters who felt the need to deliberately misinterpret his words should keep in mind that there’s still a great deal of Polonium floating around in the world, completely unaccounted for, if you know what I mean. What President Putin meant was that he likes to wrestle bears while he is naked, which is, as we all know, a thoroughly wholesome pastime.”
Bear-wrestling organizations around the world have expressed mixed feelings about President Putin’s recent admission.
“We’re not sure why it’s okay for Putin to be naked while wrestling but not the bears,” said Chuck “Chuck” Milton, representative of the East Yonkers Man-Bear Love Association, “It’s just a little chauvinistic, if you ask me. Bears are born to be naked.”
Jacques Frottez, long-time member of the Montreal Bear Club For Men, expressed his support for the concept of naked wrestling in general.
“Of course, we love naked wrestling, c’est non? It is such an important part of our lives,” he explained during a club gathering at the Ma-Am-M Bolduc restaurant, located less than a block away from Montreal’s infamous La Fontaine Park.
“And wrestling naked with Poutine is such fun,” added club-member, Francois Rire, whose exceptionally round and burly countenance has earned him the nick-name “Teddy” among his club-mates, “Poutine is so hot and greasy, I get terribly excited from just the idea, you know?”
“Ah, oui,” Mr. Frottez continued as he ate his plate-full of gravy-soaked cheese-curds and fried potato, “We love to rub Poutine all over our hairy bodies any chance we get. And nothing makes us happier than to have Poutine in our mouths. This is something all Quebecois bears live for.”
“Sûrement! What else can be said,” exclaimed Mr. Rire with a knowing chuckle, wiping a bit of gravy from his lips, “Russian President Vladimir Poutine is the kind of dead-butch daddy us bears simply adore being dominated by.”