WASHINGTON D. C. – The ownership, sale and distribution of the written works of the nation’s so-called Founding Fathers were banned by an act of Congress yesterday. Using a little-known loophole in Congressional procedural rules, a handful of Republican Senators and Representatives snuck into town a week before the rest of their colleagues and enacted the ban several hours before dawn. The procedural loophole allows a small number of lawmakers to pass what is known as “Emergency Legislation”, which does not require the signature of the President to go into effect.
“I get so darn sick and tired of hearing people complain we can’t get anything done in Congress,” said Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, “Well, I guess we showed them. This new law won’t silence our critics, of course, but it certainly is an important step in that direction.”
Congresswoman Bachmann was joined by fellow Republican lawmakers at a press conference this morning.
“We’ve got a lot riding on the whole idea that our nation was founded as a Christian nation,” explained Louisiana Senator David Vitter, “and we simply can’t have the writings of people like Jefferson and Madison, which clearly contradict this notion, floating around. I know Ronald Reagan wouldn’t have wanted us to sully the good name of the Founding Fathers by allowing their ungodly ideas to become publicly known.”
When asked his opinion, Ohio Representative and Speaker of the House, John Boehner, sighed heavily before stepping up to the podium.
“Look,” Speaker Boehner said, “Jefferson said the power of government comes from the governed. What kind of jerk believes something like that? We all know the power to govern comes from the almighty dollar… I mean the Almighty. Well, except, of course, when the government does stuff we don’t like, but let’s not quibble over minor details, alright?”
The Canadian-American Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, was quick to respond to criticism of the ban.
“Well, that’s exactly the kind of talk I expect to hear from conspiracy-theorist atheistic liberal scum,” Senator Cruz quipped, “We’re certainly not engaging in censorship or being the least bit revisionist. We just want to save people from the confusion that might develop if they find out we’re lying through our teeth in order to promote our own agenda, that’s all. It’s all perfectly innocent. Only people who hate America would think otherwise.”
The term Founding Fathers generally refers to the group of men who wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States. Modern Republicans have a tendency to claim the Founding Fathers created the United States as a Christian nation, despite the fact that most of the Founding Fathers were progressively-liberal Freemasons vehemently opposed to the hegemony of organized religion.
Thomas Jefferson, possibly the best-know Founding Father, said, “History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance, of which their political as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purpose.” The new law makes it illegal to own, sell, distribute or even read this quotation.
“We can’t outlaw the Constitution itself, of course,” Congresswoman Bachmann told reporters when asked to clarify the scope of the ban, “That would look bad. But we are getting better and better at ignoring it, and that’s what really counts.”
“I’m just happy to be here,” stated Florida Senator Marco Rubio once it was his turn to speak, “Hey, where’d everybody go?”